Saturday, March 10, 2007

Brand New Spring on the Longest Winter Ever

I have lived an entire life not feeling like I quite belonged anywhere. I suppose I could blame my life on a not so nice man that was my biological father. We all have painful memories and I chose not to dwell on them and let him just be part of a forgotten past. However, born within this period of time is someone not quite comfortable in her own skin except during certain times in my life. I would tell any psychic that would sit and listen that I am sure that my traveling soul was not supposed to be here this go round. Once one of these sort of people told my mother and I that I had an old soul and my purpose in this life was to guide my Mother's soul through this lifetime. Well, when I look into the beautiful eyes of my daughter, that is exactly what I see. She is here to take care of me, there is a wisdom, and old wisdom that speaks in her eyes.

Now do not get me wrong. I am independent and while I can't seem to make a relationship last, nothing stops me (except funds) to do the things I really want to do, even if it has to be alone. I wanted to go to South Carolina, I drove there alone leaving my parents to wonder on my sanity and to worry about me. I wanted to weave, I wove. I wanted to spin, I did so. I wanted to get some college under my belt, I did that too. I have not sat back and not done things that interest me. I adore history... there is centuries of knowledge at my finger tips and daily I dabble in it.

As I have mentioned on and off, I left the world of fiber seven years ago or so. It was the wrong thing to do. It was depression of too much change and change that I wanted throwing me for a loop. During that time my love of fiber should have been my crutch and what got me through but it ended up shoved out of sight and in dark corners to be easily forgotten as I stepped into life to "find myself". Finding myself took facing that all of the thoughts and inner turmoil of wrongness (in my mind) was really a rightness that needed to be embraced. And so I did. Embracing it left behind what grounded me most, my own doing but I didn't want to take the time to look back, I wanted to look forward and live what I called an alternative lifestyle. I am not sure where I thought I had to give up something I love to move into something else I loved but well.. hindsight and all that.

During this time I changed so much that I am not sure who I am any more. The base is still there. I am still a talented woman with a taste for a different lifestyle but I have changed so much for so many people trying to fit in, be part of and wanted that I have lost track of who is really... me. The quest for embracing what I am has gone in severe peaks and valleys of feeling incredibly good to incredibly bad and the last two years has been a steady decline in my self confidence as a loss in faith in someone dear to me seemed to eat a rather large hole deep inside. It is harder when the heart is involved but this too shall pass. It has affected other people I relate to or don't relate to anymore and I don't quite have the blind faith in people that I did once upon a time.

The light goes on ... but I say that tongue in cheek because it seems my light goes on at an average of 6 or 7 times every 10 years!

A mere month ago I picked up my pointy sticks. The spinning wheel came out of the dark corner.. she was dusted and tenderly gone over as I apologized for overlooking the greatest of therapy and something I truly love. How many times did I tell people during these years.... "when I spin I am so grounded. The whirl of the wheel finds my mind drifting onward to good thoughts and a calm comes over me, I am in tune with mother earth... I feel so good". I am such a hypocrite. I talked the talk but did not walk the walk for SEVEN YEARS!

And so I start again. I want to knit and I want to do it well. I always wanted to knit but loved spinning and weaving more. I seem to need to knit now and so I will (I am sure this is my Grandmother taking care of me). My spinning wheel will not be neglected because of it but delving back into this world I know even if I am a bit rusty I realize I know things, I am good at something and I can be fantastic at it all. I was very good at all of this before and now I will be better. Already my confidence in a simple scarf project today has soared. I am a creature of consistency and this scarf, as simple as it is, has reminded me row after row that I have something to offer because I am giving life to this object that I will cherish. The last years has been so inconsistent that I feel at a loss and had stopped caring about much.

Picking up my pointy sticks has revived my caring and outward giving. I may not have a lot but there are so many without so much more than I. I am taking on the Dulaan project with year round commitment of knitting. If I can get one child to school or one adult to work simply by keeping them warm then I have done something good for the world. There will be other charity's as well as I get better (and faster) at knitting. I have sent care to a woman I don't know because it felt like the thing to do. Yes, pushing outward is the best therapy of all.

And so here I am at a brand new spring. My long seven year winter is finally coming to a close and inside of me is a wealth of good things brimming at the surface to overflow into creation, beauty and sense of self. Perhaps I do not belong in this life, perhaps I missed the bus to my correct place of travel for this soul I carry this life but it will pass through having the knowledge I can feed it for the next.

It is good to be home.

1 comment:

Amy said...

Hello. I got here from the Lime and VIolet messageboard. I just wanted to say your post really hit home with me. I haven't felt right in my own skin for quite a while. I don't feel like I'm quite in touch with what's going on, and not in sync with the people I know. It's kind of lonely sometimes.

Even though the common sense part of me knows I'm not the only one that feels like this, it's good to know someone else is has been through the same thing, and they're winning.

Thank you :)